Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love everything about it! I especially enjoy decorating for this Holiday.
We found out about my first miscarraige on December 29, 2005. Christmas was over and New Years services at church were planned, as well as, parties afterward. I remember leaving the doctors office, seeing the Christmas decorations that were still lit with a dread of the "parties" that were to come. I could not believe our baby was gone and I was responsible for New Years activities.
We found out on a Wednesday about the death of our baby. Thursday morning I went in for my first D&C. I was scared to death! I awoke from the D&C in tears and begging for my baby. A nurse, who was not very compassionate, just quickly wiped my tears and said, "your baby's gone, honey!" I felt miserable, yet still hopeful....kind of a strange combination of emotions.
My husband and I went home, went to church activities and New Year's parties as planned. I smiled and tried to act as normal as possible. I missed my baby so bad. I am thankful to know that our little one is in Heaven with Jesus, waiting on us. Heaven just got sweeter!
January 2006 ~ A new year....a new beginning....still hope....what would happen next?
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Here We Go....AGAIN!
I went to the doctor and received a positive pregnancy test. I have an INCREDIBLE doctor who, like me, seemed to feel everything would be fine this time. We had absolutely no reason to think otherwise. My due date was 07/07/07! I thought this had to be a "sign" that everything was going to be okay!
We had planned a trip to Gatlingburg, TN and invited my mom to come and were planning to tell her our good news while on this trip. That's exactly what we did and, like us, she was VERY excited! With the first pregnancy I had horrible "all day" sickness and this baby was no different. But, I didn't care, it was all worth it. While on this trip I started spotting; I was about 6 weeks along. I immediately called the doctors office. The spotting, which was very minimal, went away without worry.
This was once again Christmas time. We had an ultrasound appointment scheduled the first week of December. I was still having severe sickness and felt sure that everything was fine.
As soon as the doctor showed me the ultrasound screen, I knew. Our precious little one had died. He/She measured 8 weeks and 5 days. I was 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant which meant this had just happened.
This time, anger set in! I told the doctor to turn the screen away and just let me get out of there. This was Friday afternoon which meant I couldn't have another D&C until Monday morning. That was the longest weekend of my life. I was walking around with our deceased child inside of me and I felt like I was going to lose my mind! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN AGAIN??? I wanted answers and was determined to find the problem.
After 3 agonizing days I had my 2nd D&C on Monday morning. My arms were empty and my heart ached beyond explanation. I wanted my two babies back.
Why me? Why now?
Christmas came and went. What used to be my favorite holiday had been ruined 2 years in a row. During this time I heard a song entitled, "Mary Knew". It hit me like a ton of bricks! Mary carried Jesus and reared Him knowing He would be crucified. Meaning, she would have to give Him back.....WOW! What a precious and comforting thought this was to me.
Thank you, Lord, for peace and grace. God had comforted my heart and given me assurance that I was going to be okay. My husband and I would be parents on this earth.
Once again, we were sent home to "try again".
We had planned a trip to Gatlingburg, TN and invited my mom to come and were planning to tell her our good news while on this trip. That's exactly what we did and, like us, she was VERY excited! With the first pregnancy I had horrible "all day" sickness and this baby was no different. But, I didn't care, it was all worth it. While on this trip I started spotting; I was about 6 weeks along. I immediately called the doctors office. The spotting, which was very minimal, went away without worry.
This was once again Christmas time. We had an ultrasound appointment scheduled the first week of December. I was still having severe sickness and felt sure that everything was fine.
As soon as the doctor showed me the ultrasound screen, I knew. Our precious little one had died. He/She measured 8 weeks and 5 days. I was 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant which meant this had just happened.
This time, anger set in! I told the doctor to turn the screen away and just let me get out of there. This was Friday afternoon which meant I couldn't have another D&C until Monday morning. That was the longest weekend of my life. I was walking around with our deceased child inside of me and I felt like I was going to lose my mind! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN AGAIN??? I wanted answers and was determined to find the problem.
After 3 agonizing days I had my 2nd D&C on Monday morning. My arms were empty and my heart ached beyond explanation. I wanted my two babies back.
Why me? Why now?
Christmas came and went. What used to be my favorite holiday had been ruined 2 years in a row. During this time I heard a song entitled, "Mary Knew". It hit me like a ton of bricks! Mary carried Jesus and reared Him knowing He would be crucified. Meaning, she would have to give Him back.....WOW! What a precious and comforting thought this was to me.
Thank you, Lord, for peace and grace. God had comforted my heart and given me assurance that I was going to be okay. My husband and I would be parents on this earth.
Once again, we were sent home to "try again".
Saturday, March 15, 2008
The Journey Continues
I know this blog is 2 years or more in the making, but it seems that I am just able to gather my heart and thoughts enough to actually tell our story.....
After our 1st miscarriage we began to try again after the doctor gave us the "all clear"...which was about 2 months. That was a LONG two months. Admittedly, I was a little naive when it came to fertility and timing so I purchased a book entitled "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". The Lord was in the reading of this book as it taught me SO MUCH about myself and my fertility cycles.
I literally begged God daily for a baby and knew in my heart that He was going to give me "the desire of my heart." However, the human side of me blamed myself and thought there was something I had done wrong to cause the miscarriage. I know these are common thoughts and I tried not to blame myself. I was frantically searching for the "WHY" in all of this and always came up empty handed. BUT, I still had HOPE and FAITH that it was all going to be okay! I will never understand why.
My heart still breaks and longs for our first child and I have accepted the fact that it always will. I also KNOW that I will see this child in Heaven and I believe that the Lord will let him or her recognize me as "Mama". WOW! What a thought.....
After 6 months of trying to get pregnant again....WE DID! I was excited, but nervous. Once you have a miscarriage it robs you of some of the joy in future pregnancies.
With baby #2 on the way.....where would this journey take us?
After our 1st miscarriage we began to try again after the doctor gave us the "all clear"...which was about 2 months. That was a LONG two months. Admittedly, I was a little naive when it came to fertility and timing so I purchased a book entitled "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". The Lord was in the reading of this book as it taught me SO MUCH about myself and my fertility cycles.
I literally begged God daily for a baby and knew in my heart that He was going to give me "the desire of my heart." However, the human side of me blamed myself and thought there was something I had done wrong to cause the miscarriage. I know these are common thoughts and I tried not to blame myself. I was frantically searching for the "WHY" in all of this and always came up empty handed. BUT, I still had HOPE and FAITH that it was all going to be okay! I will never understand why.
My heart still breaks and longs for our first child and I have accepted the fact that it always will. I also KNOW that I will see this child in Heaven and I believe that the Lord will let him or her recognize me as "Mama". WOW! What a thought.....
After 6 months of trying to get pregnant again....WE DID! I was excited, but nervous. Once you have a miscarriage it robs you of some of the joy in future pregnancies.
With baby #2 on the way.....where would this journey take us?
Friday, March 14, 2008
We found out about our first pregnancy in October.....just 2 months after the death of my husband's mother who had Alzheimer's and we had cared for in our home. After this loss, finding out we were pregnant brought great joy to our hearts.
Everything seemed to be going great with the pregnancy. We went for our first ultrasound,saw the heart beat and was overjoyed. We waited another month and went for a 12 week ultrasound where we saw the baby moving and waving its arms. WOW! This was an awesome experience.
In December of 2005 we went for out 3rd appt. and to possibly find out the sex of our baby. To our horror the doctor could not find a heart beat! We were devasated. It was Christmas time and our world had crumbled. I had never experienced such disappointment and heart break in my entire life.
There were so many questions.....why? how? was it my fault? would I ever get over this?
I had a D&C the next morning and all the doctor could tell us was to wait 2 months and try again. He said miscarriage in first pregnancies were common and there was most likely not a problem with me.
So, with broken hearts we went home and played the waiting game.
Everything seemed to be going great with the pregnancy. We went for our first ultrasound,saw the heart beat and was overjoyed. We waited another month and went for a 12 week ultrasound where we saw the baby moving and waving its arms. WOW! This was an awesome experience.
In December of 2005 we went for out 3rd appt. and to possibly find out the sex of our baby. To our horror the doctor could not find a heart beat! We were devasated. It was Christmas time and our world had crumbled. I had never experienced such disappointment and heart break in my entire life.
There were so many questions.....why? how? was it my fault? would I ever get over this?
I had a D&C the next morning and all the doctor could tell us was to wait 2 months and try again. He said miscarriage in first pregnancies were common and there was most likely not a problem with me.
So, with broken hearts we went home and played the waiting game.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Miscarriage & Pregnancy
After years of praying for and wanting a baby, I was FINALLY pregnant! My husband and I were so excited! What a wonderful miracle God had given us. Miscarriage was NEVER a thought. Until.....
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